Mother’s Standards

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, “What kind of boy did your daughter marry?”

“Oh, he’s wonderful,” gushed the mother. “He lets her sleep late, wants her to get her nails done regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night.”

“That’s sounds lovely,” said the woman. “What about your son?”

“I’m not so happy about that,” the mother sighed. “His wife sleeps late, spends all her time getting her nails done, and makes them eat take-out meals!”

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Dear John Response

A Marine stationed overseas received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,

Becky

 

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note.

Dear Becky,

I’m sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.

Love,

Ricky

How are you feeling?

Farmer Roscoe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Roscoe.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

Farmer Roscoe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question.” “Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!”

Farmer Roscoe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Roscoe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Roscoe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi‑truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.  He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

 

 

 

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.

 

 

 

 

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?    116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?      Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?     Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?     November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?     Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?     Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name?     Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?     Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?      New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?     Orange (of course)

 

 

 

Four Seconds or Less

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck.

She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said.  “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.  “And my birthday is coming up.  You could surprise me.”

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Wednesday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

Raining in Seattle

A newcomer to Seattle arrived on a rainy day. He got up the next day and it was raining. It also rained the day after that, and the day after that. He went out to lunch and saw a young kid and, out of despair, asked, “Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?”

“How should I know?” the youngster said. “I’m only 6.”

Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn’t know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?”

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they are. I’ve never heard of circle flies.”

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. “Circle flies are common on farms. They’re called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse.”

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says,” Hey, are you trying to call me a horse’s behind?”

“Oh no, officer.” The farmer replies. “I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.”

“That’s a good thing,” the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

Jack’s Last Will and Testament

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack’s Last Will and Testament:

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

“To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.

“To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

“And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”

Engineers and Accountants

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
 

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats
but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and
says, “Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all
that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train
departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom
and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

Faithful Cowboy

A cowboy in west Texas came off the range to go to church. His jeans, shirt and boots were clean and neat and he had a well-worn Bible in his hand. Still, he was a bit out of place- the other men had on suits and ties and the women wore fancy dresses. The service went well enough, and afterwards the pastor was greeting all of the worshippers at the rear of the church.

When the cowboy came through the line, the pastor said.” We’re sure glad to have you here today. Next time, though, before you come let me ask you to do something. Pray to God and ask Him what the appropriate attire would be to come to worship here.”

About six weeks later the cowboy was once again off the range, and he went to the same church. Once again, his jeans, shirt and boots were clean and neat and he had a well-worn Bible in his hand. This time, the pastor spotted him as he came in, and immediately went to him.

“I thought I told you to pray to God and ask Him what you should wear to this church.”

“Oh, I did”, said the cowboy.

“What did He say?” asked the Pastor.

“Oh”, said the Cowboy, “He said that He didn’t have a clue. Said that He’s never been here before.”