Bulging Eyes and Ears

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. He goes to his doctor and asks doc what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.
 

Several months later the guy’s eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding, more so now that his hair is gone.  This time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a liver problems; that they will have to remove part of his liver. The guy has the surgery, only to find out, months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.

Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.

Months later, the man still has the problem. He goes to another specialist who informs him that the cause is a rare blood disease and that the man only has a few months to live!

The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. He goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a seventeen-inch neck.

“No, I’ve always taken a fifteen-inch neck.”
“But sir, you have a seventeen-inch neck.”
“Listen — I’m forty-five years old, and for the past thirty years, I’ve taken a fifteen-inch neck.”
“Okay, I’ll do it. But do you know what happens when the neck is too small?”
“What?”
“It makes your eyes bulge out and your ears protrude.” the tailor replies.

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The Garden

Two elderly ladies meet at the laundromat after they hadn’t seen each other for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last week,” she said.

“My, I’m sorry to hear that, dear,” the first lady said.

“How did it happen? He seemed in good health.”

“Well,” the widow explained, “he went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry.” replied her friend “What did you do?”

“Opened a can of peas instead.”

MEMORANDUM

TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph, Woodcrafters shop, Nazareth

FROM: Jordan Management Consultants, Jerusalem

SUBJECT: Staff Aptitude Test

DATE: March 29, 30 A.D.

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have not only run the results through our computer but also have arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational consultant. It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic- depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All other profiles are self-explanatory. We wish you every success in your new venture.

Sincerely, Jordan Management Consultants

Random Thoughts

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.”  Will Rogers

“He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.” -C.S. Lewis

“Never answer an anonymous letter” Yogi Berra

“The problem with the rate race is, even if you win, you’re still a rat.”- Lily Tomlin.

Joshua fit the Battle…

The new pastor decided to visit the children’s Sunday School. The
teacher introduced him and said, “Pastor, this morning we’re studying
Joshua.”

“That’s wonderful,” said the new Pastor, “let’s see what you’re
learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, “Pastor, I didn’t do it.”

Taken aback the Pastor asked, “Come on, now, who tore down the walls
of Jericho?

Teacher, interrupting, said, “Pastor, Billy’s a good boy. If he says
he didn’t do it, I believe he didn’t do it.”

Flustered, the Pastor went to the Sunday School director and related
the story to him.

The Director looking worried, explained, “Well, sir, we’ve had some
problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do.”

Really bothered now, by the answers of the teacher and the director,
the new Pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story,
including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said,
“Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to
pay for the walls and leave it at that.”

Directions Please!

The  great pianist Arthur Rubinstein was approached on the street in New York City by a man who asked,

“Pardon me sir, how do I get to Carnegie Hall?;

To which Rubinstein replied, “Practice, practice, practice.”

Turkey Confession

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”

“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”

“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”

“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

The Persistent Turtle

The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very painfully. Then she crawls along a branch, to the very end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps. And she falls. But she doesn’t get discouraged. So she walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps, and falls to the ground. Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps, and falls.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump, fall. Over and over again.

After a while one of the pigeons ask the other, “Hey honey, don’t you think it’s time we tell her that she’s adopted?”

Ode to Clement Moore

Twas the night before Thursday

And poor Clement Moore

Had his poem being copied

By many a bore

 

His “Night Before Christmas”

Is perfect in rhyme

His rhythm and cadence

Are wonderfully fine.

 

But then come the wise guys

With Internet cool

Who use Clement’s rhyme

As sort of a tool

 

They pick up the style

From this poem of “that night”

And they hitch up their sled

to whatever’s their gripe.

 

Now I’m not even saying

That there’s something not right

By using Moore’s poem

To carry a fight.

 

I guess my complaint

Is not in their chore

But the number of times

they steal from Clem Moore.

 

So I say to you all

As I close down this gripe

“Merry Christmas to All

And to All a Good Night!”

Amazing!

This ia amazing! Occdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?