Raining in Seattle

A newcomer to Seattle arrived on a rainy day. He got up the next day and it was raining. It also rained the day after that, and the day after that. He went out to lunch and saw a young kid and, out of despair, asked, “Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?”

“How should I know?” the youngster said. “I’m only 6.”

Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn’t know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?”

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they are. I’ve never heard of circle flies.”

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. “Circle flies are common on farms. They’re called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse.”

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says,” Hey, are you trying to call me a horse’s behind?”

“Oh no, officer.” The farmer replies. “I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.”

“That’s a good thing,” the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

Jack’s Last Will and Testament

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack’s Last Will and Testament:

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

“To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.

“To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

“And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”

Engineers and Accountants

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
 

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats
but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and
says, “Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all
that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train
departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom
and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

Faithful Cowboy

A cowboy in west Texas came off the range to go to church. His jeans, shirt and boots were clean and neat and he had a well-worn Bible in his hand. Still, he was a bit out of place- the other men had on suits and ties and the women wore fancy dresses. The service went well enough, and afterwards the pastor was greeting all of the worshippers at the rear of the church.

When the cowboy came through the line, the pastor said.” We’re sure glad to have you here today. Next time, though, before you come let me ask you to do something. Pray to God and ask Him what the appropriate attire would be to come to worship here.”

About six weeks later the cowboy was once again off the range, and he went to the same church. Once again, his jeans, shirt and boots were clean and neat and he had a well-worn Bible in his hand. This time, the pastor spotted him as he came in, and immediately went to him.

“I thought I told you to pray to God and ask Him what you should wear to this church.”

“Oh, I did”, said the cowboy.

“What did He say?” asked the Pastor.

“Oh”, said the Cowboy, “He said that He didn’t have a clue. Said that He’s never been here before.”

Bulging Eyes and Ears

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. He goes to his doctor and asks doc what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.
 

Several months later the guy’s eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding, more so now that his hair is gone.  This time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a liver problems; that they will have to remove part of his liver. The guy has the surgery, only to find out, months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.

Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.

Months later, the man still has the problem. He goes to another specialist who informs him that the cause is a rare blood disease and that the man only has a few months to live!

The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. He goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a seventeen-inch neck.

“No, I’ve always taken a fifteen-inch neck.”
“But sir, you have a seventeen-inch neck.”
“Listen — I’m forty-five years old, and for the past thirty years, I’ve taken a fifteen-inch neck.”
“Okay, I’ll do it. But do you know what happens when the neck is too small?”
“What?”
“It makes your eyes bulge out and your ears protrude.” the tailor replies.

The Garden

Two elderly ladies meet at the laundromat after they hadn’t seen each other for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last week,” she said.

“My, I’m sorry to hear that, dear,” the first lady said.

“How did it happen? He seemed in good health.”

“Well,” the widow explained, “he went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry.” replied her friend “What did you do?”

“Opened a can of peas instead.”

MEMORANDUM

TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph, Woodcrafters shop, Nazareth

FROM: Jordan Management Consultants, Jerusalem

SUBJECT: Staff Aptitude Test

DATE: March 29, 30 A.D.

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have not only run the results through our computer but also have arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational consultant. It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic- depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All other profiles are self-explanatory. We wish you every success in your new venture.

Sincerely, Jordan Management Consultants

Random Thoughts

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.”  Will Rogers

“He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.” -C.S. Lewis

“Never answer an anonymous letter” Yogi Berra

“The problem with the rate race is, even if you win, you’re still a rat.”- Lily Tomlin.

Joshua fit the Battle…

The new pastor decided to visit the children’s Sunday School. The
teacher introduced him and said, “Pastor, this morning we’re studying
Joshua.”

“That’s wonderful,” said the new Pastor, “let’s see what you’re
learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, “Pastor, I didn’t do it.”

Taken aback the Pastor asked, “Come on, now, who tore down the walls
of Jericho?

Teacher, interrupting, said, “Pastor, Billy’s a good boy. If he says
he didn’t do it, I believe he didn’t do it.”

Flustered, the Pastor went to the Sunday School director and related
the story to him.

The Director looking worried, explained, “Well, sir, we’ve had some
problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do.”

Really bothered now, by the answers of the teacher and the director,
the new Pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story,
including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said,
“Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to
pay for the walls and leave it at that.”